Toon Food

Being a suave and sophisticated, worldly gentleman I know how to show a lady a good time. This is how a female acquaintance and I happened to find ourselves in KFC one evening in the Gateshead MetroCentre. KFC is of course the imported American fried chicken fast food outlet that used to be called Kentucky Fried Chicken (which was shortened presumably to fit better on the buckets). The entire operation lorded over by the jolly face of Colonel Sanders… Whoever he is. Nobody “does” chickens like the colonel apparently, well we all know about those Southern states don’t we? Now I must be honest, this wasn’t the first time we had visited. Far from it, we have in fact visited several times which I feel lends this review a certain authority that could otherwise be lacking.

As usual there was quite a queue, understandable as I’m sure you can appreciate what a lengthy business it is shoving a couple of chicken legs in a box. The delay gave me time to assess the decor. I must say I felt like one of the colonels chickens under an array of bright hanging downlighters like the heating lamps over a chicken’s cage. The whole place was bathed in that ubiquitous “make-the-food-look-more-appetising” yellow. At least the establishment was reasonably clean (not that most of the stripy jumpered clientele would notice) whereas some the other branches I have visited were pretty scruffy. This is because only half the tables ever seem to be in use, the other half closed off for cleaning, it’s a good thing you have to queue to get in or you wouldn’t be able to find a seat. Please note that the cleanliness doesn’t stretch to the toilets, my advice to you is to cross your legs.

The staff members are generally friendly though not always too bright. If you are taking your food away it’s worth checking your order before you leave. The menu offers all conceivable variations on the fried chicken theme with a multitude of meal deals enticing you to eat twice as much as you really need for only a little bit more money than you would have otherwise spent. Speaking of which, the prices are very cheap. I opted for the snazzily titled wicked zinger meal consisting of a zinger chicken burger, 2 hot wings, side order of beans, fries and pop for only £4 odd. I managed to resist the offer to “go large”, I’m quite large enough already thanks, or to “tower up” (stick a hash brown in your burger). The zinger part refers to the not altogether unpleasant tingling (or burning if you get them on a bad day) sensation you are left with on your lips. A worthy substitute for flavour I’m sure. Of course KFC, like most fast food joints, are doing their bit for the environment by shunning the old fashioned concept of plates and instead serving your food in a bewildering array of cardboard boxes. What a concept, why waste time washing plates when you can throw away your own slice of our worlds dwindling supply of trees?

And that’s the rub, fast food sucks. Bad food, bad corporate ethics, bad manners. Fast food is like crack for kids and the global fast food chains are the dealers. I despise everything it stands for…

…And yet I keep coming back to KFC. I can’t help it, it’s a guilty pleasure. I wouldn’t touch MacDonalds and I would only go to Burger King if I absolutely had to have instant food and that’s all that was available, or if I had one of my inexplicable cravings for their onion rings. I know KFC is bad, I know the mangy chickens had miserable mistreated lives, but when I bite into them and the fat dribbles down my chin, an unwelcome voice whispers in my ear that they died for a good cause.

So would I recommend KFC? No of course not, go eat some proper food. But if you do go then I can’t say a wordagainst you. While KFC is fast food, at least you do get the feeling you are eating real meat. KFC is very low down the food ladder but it’s not quite on the bottom rung and if you want stupidly cheap instant food you could do worse (cough-MacDonalds-cough), just don’t tell anyone you went!

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Tags: fast food, kfc, metrocentre, review

This entry was posted on Wednesday, January 28th, 2009 at 6:33 pm and is filed under Reviews. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.